Internal Conflict
by Arinayed29
Summary: Romano couldn't help but feel that it was wrong. He loves the man, but it was wrong.


This was supposed to be a birthday fic for Spain, but It's kind of late and I also wanted to write something for Valentines day. So this is a belated Valentines birthday fic. Enjoy.

NOTE:

I'm not religious or anything, so I don't know much about prayers and church services.

They might be a bit OOC, but then again this story is kind of serious and Hetalia is never serious, which gets on my nerves sometimes.

I don't own Hetalia.

Rated M because of implied sex and language.

* * *

'I pray to thee my Lord and I ask thee for forgiveness for I have sinned. I have given into the temptations set by Satan and have lusted for another man and have acted upon the temptations. I wish do redeem myself in your eyes. To become worthy of you again.

'You my Lord, have given me a chance to become a good man and yet I took that for granted and have gone against what you stood for. So once again I ask for forgiveness from you my Lord, my Savior, and promise to never stray off the path ever again. Please, my Lord, fill me with your holy spirit. Amen'

Romano finished his silent prayer, hoping that God would forgive him for his sin. He will admit that he has bad habits, but when it came to his religion, he is a good catholic.

The church service had finished twenty minuets ago, but he stayed after to give a personal prayer to God. He could have gone through confessions, but he didn't feel ready for that yet. Anyways, to him personal prayer felt more important to him than confessing to a priest. It felt more....personal.

Deciding that he has done enough begging for the day, he left the church and headed for his hotel.

It's been three weeks since he had last seen or talked to Spain. He knew the man was worried about him. Romano has received nothing but voice and text massages from the him, but Romano didn't think he was ready to start any form of communication with Spain. Not after what happened.

He has refused to think about what happened on that day, everything changed that one night just because he couldn't hold himself back.

He disgusted himself. Spain has always been his parent, his friend, his love. He shook his head angrily at himself. 'Stop thinking about things like that. It's what got you in this mess in the first place.' he thought to himself.

A cold breeze caused him to wrap his arms around himself, trying to keep himself somewhat warm. 'Spain arms would probably be even warmer...what the hell am I thinking. That's just wrong.'

He continued to make his way across Germany, east Germany, that is. He knew that Spain would find him if he stayed in Italy. He decided that Germany was his best bet. Romano wouldn't doubt that the potato bastard was looking for him as well, if his brother asked him, which he knew that crybaby did. Though he also knew that the potato bastard secretly let his brother, potato bastard #2, Gilbert, control east Germany, which is where Romano was currently at.

'Potato bastard #2 wont bother looking for me. He may be Spains friend, but he's to lazy to get off his ass and do anything.'

He finally reached the hotel he was currently staying at. He payed everything with cash, and hoped that Spain wouldn't find him. It wasn't a super nice hotel or anything like that, but it was decent and it kept him away from Spain.

He knew it wasn't nice to just leave without telling Spain anything. Well, he left a note, but he didn't give a reason. He wondered how Spain was doing. 'That bastard is probably going crazy. I know I would since I love that bastard...I need to quit thinking things like that. I just promised God that I would change.'

He opened the door to his room. A nap sounded good to him right now. His mind was on the rocks right now and he hoped that some sleep would help with that.

"You're a real prick, did you know that?"

He froze as he heard that deep voice talk to him. He turned on the lights. Sitting on the only chair in the room was the once powerful nation, Prussia. 'That potato bastard actually found me. What the hell.'

"What the hell are you doing here, you bastard?" he tasked him with a glare on his face.

"I can't believe you just asked me that you dumbfuck. I've been looking for your dumb ass for the past three weeks since you disappeared from the face of the goddamn planet" he talked with such venom in his voice. Romano was shocked, Prussia has never talked to him like that before.

"W-why the hell did you even bother to look for me? It's not like you even like me you bastard."

"Oh you're right, I don't like you. Actually I kinda hate you right now. It was hard to find your stupid ass."

"Then why did you look for me."

"Because Antonio asked me."

Romano couldn't help but be a bit shocked. Prussia never referred to Spain with his real name. Normally nations used the names of the countries that they represented when communicated with each other. There were exceptions though, when certain countries had a strong connection with each other they would use their reals names. 'Just like Spain when he calls me Lovino.'

"I can't believe that you left like that. I thought you were supposed to be the smarter Italy, but you clearly are the dumbest."

"Shut up you bastard! You don't know anything!" How dare Prussia call him an idiot, he doesn't know what Romano is thinking.

"That's why I didn't tell Spain you where here. I want to hear your side of the story."

"My side of the story? Who the hell told you there was a story?"

"Spain told me what happened. That's why he is so desperate to find you." Romano was quiet. He didn't know how to respond to Prussia.

"He told me that you finally admitted your feelings for him, but the next day you just left a note that said that you where leaving and that you didn't want him to find you. He doesn't know what he did wrong and has been looking for you non-stop. He has gone days without sleep since he is so worried about you. By the looks of it, you don't seem to be to bothered about it." Prussia glared at him.

"This doesn't concern you, you bastard. Just leave me alone." Prussia stood up from his seat as his face turned furious.

"What the hell do you mean it doesn't concern me! My best friend is killing himself over an ungrateful brat who doesn't have the balls to tell him why he ran away. Antonio has been begging other nations to help him look for you. Some of these nations he has asked for help from are nations that he would have never considered to ask anything of. Yet when it comes to your ungrateful ass, he becomes desperate and will do anything in order to get you back."

Romano couldn't help but flinch when Prussia told him how Spain was going to the extreme for him. At this point Prussia looked as if he was ready to punch him. He didn't blame him though, if anyone treated his friends the way he was treating Spain then he would probably beat them to a bloody pulp.

"I want to know why you left him the way you did." Prussia demanded. Romano didn't want to answer him. This man didn't have a right to know what he was thinking, but before he could stop himself, something came out of his mouth.

"B-because it's wrong." Romano shut his mouth quickly, but the damage has been done. The look of confusion on Prussia's face confirmed that the man had heard what he said.

"Because it's wrong? What are you talking about? What exactly is wrong?" Romano didn't want to say anymore, but for once he wanted someone to hear what was going on in his mind. Maybe he can help him understand why he felt the way he did.

"Loving Spain. It's wrong for a man to love another man. You should know that it is a sin." There, he said it. He admitted to his sin. He could see the look of surprise on Prussia's face.

"Are you being serious? You left him because of that." Prussia was in disbelief and it was pissing Romano off.

"What the hell do you mean by that! Of course I'm being serious! Prussia I'm Catholic, it's wrong for me to love another man. You know what, just leave and tell Spain that I'll come back once I stop loving him."

Prussia's face was once again angry when he said that.

"If that's the case, then he will never see you again since I doubt that you will ever stop loving him." Now it was Romano's turn to look in disbelief.

"H-how dare you say that, you don't know how I feel. Look, I just told you that I will find a way to stop loving Spain and it will happen."

"Romano, you and I know that you will never be able to truly stop loving Spain and even if you do, how do you think he would feel. You know that Spain has loved you for centuries now. I doubt that he can live without you and you without him."

"Why are you saying that?" Romano was beginning to feel frustrated.

"Because neither you or Spain will be happy if you never learn to accept your feelings for him."

"But it's wrong. I've always been told that homosexuality is wrong." This conversation was draining his energy. He walked to the bed and sat down, feeling exhausted.

"I'm not going to say that your religion is wrong, but you need to realize that you do in fact have feelings for Spain. You can't just runaway to ignore them either. Do you honestly think that you can give up on Spain? Especially after all that he has done for you."

He knew that Prussia was right. There was no way he could stop loving Spain. The man is the only person who has made an effort to get closer to Romano. He just couldn't forget Spain. Especially after what happened.

"I slept with him the night before I ran away" he told Prussia.

Prussia did expect Romano to tell him that. If anything, he anticipated that the Italian would yell at him again and call him a bastard. Spain never told him that. All he told Prussia was that Romano left without saying anything. Prussia just assumed that they got in a fight or something dumb like that, but Spain has such a desperate look on his face when he asked for help and Prussia knew that something serious had happened.

"So that's why Spain has been going crazy looking for you. I bet that he thinks he did something wrong or that you may have thought it was all a mistake."

"It was a mistake. I never meant to do that with him, but it just happened. I've been able to fight off the temptations for many years and then on some random night I just happen to lose my restraint. Everything turned out wrong." Romano couldn't help it anymore, everything was making him more frustrated. The tears began to fall down his face.

"Do you really believe that it was a mistake? You were able to be with the one person that you love. Even if you think it's wrong, you were able to be honest with yourself."

Realization hit Romano hard. Even though he sinned on that night, it was also the most happiest moments of his life. He was able to express his love to Spain through kisses and touches. That man is the only one who has ever made him feel so special and he repays him by running away.

"Oh god, how could I be so stupid. How could I have left him like that. I love that bastard so fucking much." He didn't care if Prussia was able to see him cry. At this point he had no pride left in his body. All he was filled with was regret, not because he slept with the man he loved, but because he left that man.

Prussia didn't say anything and let Romano cry. He was still too angry at Romano to offer him any comfort, but he was slightly relived that Romano had finally accepted his love for Spain. His best friend.

After Romano's sobs died down Prussia broke the silence.

"You need to go see him. Now."

Romano kept wiping his face with his sleeve.

"What do you mean now. I can't see him at this minute. He's in Spain and we're in Germany."

Prussia walked close to where Romano was sitting, pulled out something from his back pocket, and showed it to Romano.

"Look. I was confident that I would be able to convince you to see Spain once I found your location. I bought a plane ticket to Italy."

"Why Italy? Spain lives in- well- Spain."

"He's been staying at your house for the full three weeks. He hoped that you would at least return to your house sooner or later."

Romano was speechless. He didn't think that Spain would stay at his house for so long. He took the ticket that Prussia offered, yet he still looked uncertain.

"I don't know if I can face him yet."

"But the longer you wait the more damaging it is for Antonio."

Romano stood up from his spot on the bed and walked to the door. He opened it, but before he left, he said something to Prussia.

"Thanks you potato bastard" and left.

* * *

Romano was standing in front of his house. He didn't know if he should walk in calmly or barge in yelling. The plane ride to his country went far faster than he hopped. The entire time he wondered what to say to Spain and yet he wasn't able to come up with anything decent.

He opened his front door quietly, hoping Spain didn't hear him come in. It was late in the night, so Spain would have probably fallen asleep right by now in his room or one of the guest rooms. 'Probably my room.'

Imagine his surprise when he found Spain passed out on his living room couch. What surprised him even more was how worn out Spain looked. He look as if he lost some weight and has dark rings around his eyes. 'Oh my god, I didn't think he was this bad.'

Romano wanted to run over to where Spain was sleeping, but he couldn't bring himself to touch him. Instead he walked over to one of the bookcases in the room and grabbed a large bundle of books. He held them high in the air and let them fall. They made a loud noise once they hit the wood floor.

He could see Spain wake up in alarm and sat up at the sound of the books.

"What-" he stopped when he saw Romano. Hie eyes widened in shocked when he realized who woke him up.

"L-Lovino, you're here." He slowly walked up to Romano. He reached his hand out to touch him, but Lovino backed away.

"Don't touch me."

Spain's face became filled with sadness when Romano told him not to touch him. He pulled his hand back.

"Lovi, where were you. I've been worried about you."

"I was in Germany." Spain gave him a confused look.

"In Germany, but why? I thought you hated Germany."

"I didn't want you to find me." Romano wished he said something other than that, but Spain needed to know the truth. He could see Spain flinch when he said that.

"Lovi please tell me why you didn't want me to find you. Tell me why you ran away from me." The desperation in Spains voice made Romano feel like hugging the man and telling him that everything is okay.

"I needed to think about some things and I felt that staying away from you for a while would help me clear my mind. Honestly, I'm not sure if it helped or not, but it was about time I came and talked to you."

Spain's looked downward as if he didn't know how to respond to Romano, maybe he really didn't know.

"Lovi" Spain started speaking with a soft voice. "Do you- do you regret what happened that night? I really though that maybe you finally returned my feelings, but after you ran away I began to doubt that."

Romano wished he didn't ask that question. He didn't want to answer Spain because in honesty, he really didn't know.

"I don't know. Maybe"

"What do you mean maybe?" Spain looked into his eyes now. There was something starting to show in them. Anger.

"Spain I'm catholic and not only is it wrong for two men to be together, you and I are nations, we just can't be together. I'm the nation of Italy, I present my country and I can't do something that most of my people are against." Wait. No. This isn't what Romano wanted to say. He wanted to tell Spain that he really loves him. This was turning out badly.

"I don't care about Italy or what it's damn people want! I love you and only you Lovino. I may be the nation of Spain, but I'm also Antonio Fernandez Carriedo and I love you Lovino Vargas. I don't regret what we did and I don't believe that my love for you is wrong Lovi. Please understand that." Lovino could see tears running down the face of the man he loves. Spain was looking into his eyes, silently pleading with him to understand how much he loves Lovino. Any restraint Lovino had on himself was broken, he couldn't do this to Spain any longer. He could feel his own tears falling.

"Italy cannot love Spain." A look of devastation appeared on Spain's face when he said this out loud.

"Lovino Vargas, on the other hand, cannot live without Antonio Fernandez Carriedo." He walked forward, wrapped his arms around Antonio, and buried his face into the mans chest. The warmth of the other man felt so right. "There you bastard are you happy now."

Antonio put his own arms around Lovino and buried his face into the top of the other mans hair. "Lovi, Te amo y siempre te amaré, mi tomate."

They spent the rest of the night in each others arms.

* * *

'I pray to thee my Lord and I ask thee for forgiveness. I have fallen in love with another man and I won't change my feeling. My Lord I believe that I am a good man and my selfishness will not my downfall, but my motivation. I ask for your forgiveness, but I do not expect it.

'My Lord I still love you and I will continue to, but I ask for you allow me this one thing. Love. I cannot live without this man. I hope you will understand. I will continue to be a good catholic, but I will never be able to give up my for this man. Please Lord, allow me to be selfish this one time. It is all I ask of you. Amen'

The morning after, Lovino went straight to the early church service at one of the catholic churches near his house. Once again he gave a personal silent prayer to God, but this time he didn't expect forgiveness, he just hoped that God would understand.

He made his way out of the church and out the front doors. The first thing his eye's met were a pair of bright, vibrant green, eyes.

"Are you ready to go Lovi?" He had a smile on his face.

"Yeah you bastard. Lets go."

Antonio walked by his side, but Lovino felt as if something was missing. He reached over and held the other mans hand. Antonio gave him a look of surprised, though it soon changed to affection.

"Te amo Lovi." He brought Lovinos hand to his mouth and gave it a kiss.

"Anch'io ti amo, bastardo."

END

* * *

I'm done, yes. I felt so frustrated while writing this story. I kept on saying "Damn it Lovino why do you have to be such a cockblock". So yeah.


End file.
